(AQUAMAN) with Sebastian Finkle

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO is on the air*


"Please sir, the man in the restaurant wants to just sit there and talk about a movie and then leave quietly. And today he wants to talk about AQUAMAN. What's wrong with that?"


Yeah, I wanna know if this movie is good or not. It won't take long.


Listen here, why are all my kitchen crew so fascinated in this crazy man who never orders MY food? This isn't a library.


This wasn't a comic book...it was CINEMA!



 And my proof is the presence of Nicole Kidman. She plays the queen of Atlantis, who washed up on shore and has sex with the first man who found her. That's right...this movie is about female empowerment.



Aquaman (Jason Momoa) was simply a plot device to show us the REAL star of the film. Princess Mera.


Princess Mera is never in danger. She is first to do everything. In fact, she saves Jason Momoa twice in his own movie.


Princess Mera carries out the story and lets Jason Momoa stand there and watch her be the REAL hero.


Jason Momoa wants to leave Atlantis and thereby, NOT being Aquaman anymore. And Princess Mera convinces him to stay! Who does that except for the REAL hero of a movie.


But, if you want to see a movie about a man who gets a magic stick. It's about a man who gets a magic stick!


The film you paid for was to see Aquaman, and that was in fact, Princess Mera the whole time.


Genius, I tell you...genius.

Finkle Films (MORTAL ENGINES)

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO is on the air*


We're back again to discuss a new movie. And it's called MORTAL ENGINES.



Let's start with the robot-zombie. We loved the robot-zombie, but the movie wasn't about him at all.



It was about a girl with a scar on her face, a guy who doesn't belong in the story, and a woman who is plot device to get from one scene to the next.





Go read the books and save your time. It STINKS!

(DEAD IN A WEEK) with Sebastian Finkle

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO is on the air*


"Whatsamatter? Don't wanna know know what that movie guy gotta say about some movie he just saw?"


You're cooking his food? But he doesn't order the food.


"HaHa! He doesn't eat YOUR food, Dave. Just let him talk about his next movie and serve him this for free...you'll see."


These popcorn munching rabble will never understand a well performed work of film as DEAD IN A WEEK.



A man wants to commit suicide and he's a complete failure. So much so, he believes he's an IMMORTAL.



That is, until he meets an aging professional killer whose membership to an Assassin's Guild brings the audience into a world of relative workplace stresses.



The movie says, not only regular people can be fired after making mistakes. But, even killers can make mistakes and loose their job.



And as the coup de grass, Doctor Who wants to give the aging assassin a clock.


What could possibly be more entertaining?


Why isn't he eating the free food? I'm stating to take this personally.

(WIDOWS) with Sebastian Finkle

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO is on the air*


...As for the art of story-writing, my only question to the writers is this: WHY?



Why does Jamal want his money back from the wife, when all evidence points to the money was destroyed in the fire?



Why does she recruit two other wives in a public sauna to steal from an alderman?



Why does the alderman want to hide the fact that her husband...Oops, spoilers.



Why is prostitution the only job in Chicago for Polish people?



How does an alderman in Chicago own a yacht? Does the IRS not exist in this movie universe?



Until I get an answer, this movie was a 2 Act play. The third Act was left on the cutting room floor...by the way, we never learned what an alderman does for a living. I guess it's covertly running crime syndicates.

(RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET) with Sebastian Finkle

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO is on the air*


THAT, my good sir, is not a movie about friendship! Have you no friends in life? Have you never been in love? This movie blatantly LIED to your stupid face and you didn't say a thing, did you?


This girl (Penelope) was clearly a Lesbian and she was in a LOVELESS relationship with Ralph the entire time. By the fact, that Ralph is a simpleton and a buffoon doesn't erase the obvious!



Ralph was too dumb to know he was in LOVE. He only called it friendship, because Penelope called it friendship.


A new woman enters the picture, and that was the open door to a new world.


And this new world comes with choices. OLD vs NEW. BOY vs GIRL. FRIEND vs LOVE.


It was THE EMOJI MOVIE with subtext...and I love subtext.



"Hey! Stop bothering our customers and order some food!"

(CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD) with Sebastian Finkle

*Warning: PIRATE RADIO is on the air*


You say the chef wants me to order FOOD if I want to do my movie review? That's rather inappropriate, don't you think?


Let's make a wager. I will sit here and write my review of CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD and you, in turn, will leave me alone while I write it.
 

I must begin with the dead weight characters that adds nothing to the story...all of them.



No more of a dead weight was Eddie Redmayne as Knute. This movie seems to be about him and how he reacts to CGI for a hour and a half.


The real movie was buried in the last 30 minute with Johnny Depp, as he gives a speech that explains why you paid $9 dollars for a ticket to watch this film in the first place. It was about the villain.


Depp starts the movie as a villain.



Depp finishes the movie as a villain.


And I pity any audience that doesn't simply accept Johnny Depp as a villain from now on...ask Amber Heard.



In closing, the challenge is not staying awake until the ending. The challenge is how to avoid paying the check for a magical sandwich that you didn't want to eat.